Knowing Each Other

"Asking a partner, 'What's wrong?' is a bit like asking 'Who are you, again?'  As partners, we should know.  Others may not know and are not required to know, but we most certainly are.  That's our job, and that's why we're paid the big buck!  We do for our partners what others would not want to do because they don't really care.

"Of course, our guesses will not be correct a hundred percent of the time.  I'm not suggesting you need to be clairvoyant." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

I love the knowing that he writes about.  We should know the ones we love.  And, too, they should know us.  That is why it takes time to develop real relationships.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Uplifting Your Partner

"Are you aware of what things you can say or do that have the power to relieve distress and uplift your partner?  Take a minute and think about these now.

"1. You may find it helpful to begin with the list of vulnerabilities" of your partner. "For each of the three or four things that make your partner feel bad, you probably can identify something that will mollify the bad feeling....

"2. Check the list you come up with against the antidotes....

"3. You may also want to create a list of the things your partner can (and does) do that please and uplift you.   If you are doing this exercise together, you can create separate lists for each other and then compare notes." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

As we learn to uplift those that we love our relationships get more emotional intimate.  It is important to share what we need too to get relief from distress.  Your partner may not know what you need and it is perfectly legitimate to let them know. 

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Be Your Partner's Regulator

"How many people actually know how to spontaneously make their partner feel happy and loved?  I'm talking here about a phrase, a deed or an expression aimed at one's partner meant specifically to uplift him or her.  I have seen partners married for thirty years who appear dumbfounded when challenged to brighten, move charm, or otherwise enamor one another. Yet this ability to spontaneously and predictably shift or elevate your partner's mood or emotional state is a crucial aspect of being an expert on your partner.

"In my work with couples, I have found most people don't want their partner to change, not really.  They fundamentally appreciate their partners as they are.  But what people do want is to know how to influence, motivate, and otherwise have a positive effect on their partner.  They want to avoid pushing the other's buttons.  But that is not enough.  They also want to know the antidotes to apply when things go awry.  They want to be privy to when and where their partner has an itch, so they can scratch it for him or her.

"In this way, couples seek to become competent managers of each other.  In fact, their competence as partners is not unlike the competence of parents, who want to soothe their child's painful feelings and cultivate positive ones.  It also can be compared to the role of a regulator.  Partners who are competent managers are able to help regulate each other's moods and energy levels. As regulators, each continually monitors the other and know when to jump in and throw a switch to help restore balance in the direction of those things that make the partner feel good." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

This idea of regulator of partners mood may sound unhealthy.  This, however, is not losing yourself in the relationship.  I like the similarity to parents soothing their child when having painful feelings.


Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

How Vulnerable is Your Partner?

"It is important for you to know your own vulnerabilities, and it is even more important to know your partner's.  Knowing your partner's three or four bad things takes the guesswork out of what distresses him or her.  Not knowing these three or four things can weaken the relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you. 

"... 1. Sit down and think about the issues that deeply affect your partner.  You probably didn't know him or her during childhood, but what has your partner shared with you about that phase of life?

"2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed.  In each case, what was the issue that made him or her feel vulnerable.

"3. Jot down all the incidents and issues come to mind.  Don't censor yourself.

"4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities.  See if you can
narrow the list down to three or four main areas of vulnerability.

"5. As a final step, you may wish to check with your partner.  Find out what your partner sees as the three or four things that make him or her feel bad.  Watch your partner's face and listen to his or her voice for signs that these things are in fact a big deal." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

It is important to know your partner's sensitivities and vulnerabilities to grow emotional intimacy.  We know how to push their buttons to set them off to hurt them, we also need to learn how to protect them too.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Your Issues

"As an expert on your partner, you need to be familiar with the three or four things that make him or her feel bad.  But, as the saying goes, "Physician, heal thyself."  In other words, before attempting to identify you partner's vulnerabilities, it makes sense to have a handle on your own.

"So take a minute now and think about this.

"1. Sit down where you can have some private time, and think about the issues that have deeply affected you.  From as early as you can remember, on the way to this point in time, what things still dog you today?

"2. It may help to recall specific incidents.  For example, this could be an argument with your partner in which you become very angry, or a time you felt depressed, lonely, or rejected.  In each incident, what was the issue that led you to feel vulnerable.

"3. Take a pen and paper (or your tablet PC) and jot down all the incidents and issues that come to mind.  Don't censor yourself.

"4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities.  For example, suppose you recalled arguing with your partner after he or she leaked something private about the two of you to another couple, and you also recalled being mad as a teenager when you mother said things at the dinner you shared privately with her.  Looking at both of these new, you see the common issue was feeling betrayed.  See if you can narrow your list down and three or four main vulnerabilities.

"5. Focusing on your vulnerabilities might not be the most enjoyable of exercises.  When you finish, do something nice for yourself (and your partner)!
- Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

Knowing your vulnerabilities so you don't harp on your partners issues as much.  Sometimes we need professional help to help work through our traumas and issues.  Don't get stuck in the past, get help and healing.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Personal Issues in Relationship

"We all have a handful of issues with the particular power to make us feel bad.  These issues typically originate during childhood, and we carry them into our adult relationships.

"For instance, you have been picked on as a child, and so you continue to feel vulnerable whenever someone tries to tease you.  It affects you to this day.  Or as a child, you were told you were ugly or stupid, and now you still feel you are less attractive or intelligent than others.  Perhaps someone in your early childhood always had to be right, and by default always made you seem wrong.  Today you continue to feel sensitive to right/wrong issues.

"How many such issues does each of us actually have?  Do they number in the tens? Or even more?  Partners often are under the illusion that they have a vast storehouse of personal issues with which they have to deal.  In my experience as a clinician, however, this is generally untrue.  If we really boil our issues down to their essence, I'm willing to be most of us will be able to identify only three or four with the power to make us feel bad.  I believe most of us are disturbed by the same three or four vulnerabilities throughout our life." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

Our personal issues do affect couple's relationship.  It is understanding our own issues so that we can share them and manage them in a healthy way that is necessary.  Our vulnerabilities do tell us more of our needs so we can share them with our partner.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Role of Partner

"The role of a primary partner is a big one:  it entails taking good care of another human pain in the rear.  And the only way for this to work is for it to be fully mutual.  Both partners need to become experts on one another.  With this kind of arrangement, nobody really loses and everybody truly wins.  You can think of it as a kind of pay-to-play version of romance, and it is, make not mistake, an investment in your future." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

Understanding your partner is necessary for good romantic relationship.  Relationship should not just be "consensual," a political correct term, but really the relationship needs to be taking care of one another's heartaches, fears and pains.  We need to know how to take care of our partner in their hard times not just in the good and visa versa, they need to the same for us. 

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Relationship Vow

"When I see partners in a successfully maintained couple bubble, one standout feature is their ability to care for, influence, and manage one another, much the way expert parents do with their children.  Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner's manual for the relationship and for each other.  Each is familiar with operational details that no one outside of the bubble is likely to know.
"For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other's buttons.  When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why.  Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation.  They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, soothe, or heal each other.  From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well-balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal systems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and honed communication skills that keep love close and war at a far distance.
"How did they get to be so adept?  Are such people perhaps in possession of a perfect partner chromosome?  Trust me, no.  Do they have some kind of secret superpower that allows them to manage their partner emotionally?  Well maybe.  ...some of us got a better start in life than did others, with a lots of positive interactions with safe adults who were interested in and curious about us.  We all come to the table with primitives that don't want us to be harmed, and ambassadors that at times can be annoying.  Truth is, we can be, all of us, pains in the rear.  When we recite our relationship vows, perhaps we should say, "I take you as my pain in the rear, with all your history and baggage, and I take responsibility for all prior injustices you endured at the hands of those I never knew, because you now are in my care."  - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

Would you be willing to take that vow?  That is commitment.  As parents we are to take that vow.  Can we do it for our main relationship?  Secure partners do this for one another.  It is not easy when our partner has a lot of baggage.  And what I see in my counseling office is that when one partner has a lot of baggage then the other one does too.  This is a difficult situation that needs a third party sometimes to help.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Safe and Nurturing Relationship

“When I see partners in a successfully maintained couple bubble, one standout feature is their ability to care for, influence, and manage one another, much the way expert parents do with their children.  Both partners seem to have read and carefully studied the owner’s manual for their relationship and for each other.  Each is familiar with operational details that no one outside of the bubble is likely to know.
“For instance, these partners know what has the most power to push the other’s buttons.  When the other is feeling bad, they immediately sense why.  Not only that, they know how to remedy the situation.  They know the right words to say, or deeds to perform, that have the power to elevate, relieve, excite, sooth, or heal each other.  From a neuroscience perspective, these partners possess strong orbitofrontal cortices; well balanced left and right brains; well-developed smart vagal sytems; well-regulated breath and vocal control; and honed communication skills that keep love close and war at a far distance.” – Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

To be in a safe, nurturing relationship.  Is that what we want?  The majority of us do want that.  Can
we be that for another person?  It takes both giving and getting.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Unapologetically You

"Supporting principles to guide you:
"1. Discover your partner.  ... What relationship best describes your partner?  And while you're at it, what style best describes you!  As I mentioned before, please resist the temptation to use this typologyas ammunition against one another.  Like any powerful tool, it can inflict damage if used improperly.  So use it with compassion in your relationship.
"2. Be unapologetically you.  Our task in committed relationships is not to change or become a different person.  Quiet the contrary: our task is to be unapologetically ourselves.  Home is not a place to feel chronically ashamed or to pretend we are someone we're not.  Rather, we can be ourselves while retaining our sense of responsibility to others and to ourselves.  And just as we unapologetically himself or herself.  In this way, we offer each other unconditional acceptance.
"Of course, being unapologetically ourselves doesn't mean we are reckless or uncaring about how we treat others, or that we can use this as an excuse to be our worst selves.  For example, if your partner is unfaithful or otherwise hurtful to you, he or she can't simply say, "Tough.  This is who I am.  Just accept it."  No.  This is a time when apology is definitely in order.  In fact, whenever your partner voices hurt, you need to focus less on being unapologetically yourself and more on tending to your partner's needs and concerns.  Remember the first guiding principle: creating a couple bubble allows partners to keep each other safe and secure.  Your mandate is to be unapologetically yourself as long as you also keep your partner safe.
"3. Don't try to change your partner.  You could say that we all change, and also that we never change.  Both are true.  And this is why acceptance is important.  We can and do change our attitudes, our behaviors, and even our brains over time.  However, the fundamental wiring that takes place during our earliest experiences stays with us from cradle to grave.  Of course, we can change this wiring in phenomenal ways through corrective relationships.  Sometime these changes transform all but the last remnants of our remembered fears and injuries.  But this should not be the goal of a couple's relationship.  No one changes from fundamentally insecure to fundamentally secure under conditions of fear, duress, disapproval, or threat of abandonment.  I guarantee that will not happen.  Only through acceptance, high regard, respect, devotion, support, and safety will anyone gradually grow more secure." -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D in Wired for Love

Being unapologetically you will help you and your relationship by knowing what you need and saying it.  Discovering your partner and their hurts is important to your relationship.  Accepting your partner for who they are will be hard and easy at the same time.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Broken in Relationship and Healed in Relationship

"You and your partner should become familiar with each others' relationship styles.

"We get to know our partner fully in order to become competent as managers of our partners in the best way.  Be competent managers, I mean partners who are experts on one another and know how to move, shift, motivate, influence, soothe, and inspire one another.  In contrast, partners who are not expects on one another tend to create a mutual  sense of threat and insecurity.  they don't enjoy a couple bubble.  These partners also tend to wish the other would change, listen to them, or do things the way they do, and ultimately believe they they coupled with the wrong person.  Sadly, these partners merely recreate the insensitivity, injustice, and insecurity of their childhood, never really knowing what is withing their reach  'if only....'
"For many people, closeness brings both the promise of safety and security and a threat to safety and security.  This raises the question, how do you get what and need from a relationship, while avoiding what you fear might happen?  This quandary is similar to stealing honey without being stung by a bee.  The degree to which we must work to gt the honey, while avoiding getting stung, in intimate relationships is the degree to which we feel fundamentally insecure.  But here's the rule: if we feel insecure about close relationships, there is no way to become more secure without being in one.  No book or audiotape, workshop, or religion can alter our sense of relationship security. In other words, as far as relationships go, we are hurt by people and yet we can be healed only by people."
"And that's the good news.  It is entirely possible to become an anchor by spending time in a close, dependent, secure relationship with another person.  That person can be a therapist, or it can be a primarily romantic partner who is an anchor or close to becoming one.  Though the purpose of this book is not specifically to convert you or your partner into anchors, its principles will guide you toward a more secure relationship.  Spend enough time in a secure relationship, and you'll become in anchor!" - Stan Tatkin, Psy. D. in Wired for Love

We are broken in relationships and we are healed in relationship.  We need other relationships to heal our emotions and hearts.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Classifying Partners

"No one likes to be classified, yet we tend to classify the people and things around us because we have brains that, by nature, organize, sort, and compare information and experience. In fact, people have been defining the human condition for centuries, and they continue to form new ways of doing so today. We are liberals or conservatives, geeks or Goths, atheists or religious fanatics, Scorpios or Capricorns, either from Mars or from Venus. As long as we don't use these categories to debase or dehumanize anyone, they can help us understand one another.
..."If you can recognize and understand each other's styles, it is much easier to work together and to resolve issues as they arise. Having the sense that 'I know who you are' makes it easier to be forgiving and to be sincerely supportive." -Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

Understanding our partner is about giving understanding not accepting abusive or mean behavior
from them. It is about having boundaries as well as grace and mercy.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928