Your Issues

"As an expert on your partner, you need to be familiar with the three or four things that make him or her feel bad.  But, as the saying goes, "Physician, heal thyself."  In other words, before attempting to identify you partner's vulnerabilities, it makes sense to have a handle on your own.

"So take a minute now and think about this.

"1. Sit down where you can have some private time, and think about the issues that have deeply affected you.  From as early as you can remember, on the way to this point in time, what things still dog you today?

"2. It may help to recall specific incidents.  For example, this could be an argument with your partner in which you become very angry, or a time you felt depressed, lonely, or rejected.  In each incident, what was the issue that led you to feel vulnerable.

"3. Take a pen and paper (or your tablet PC) and jot down all the incidents and issues that come to mind.  Don't censor yourself.

"4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities.  For example, suppose you recalled arguing with your partner after he or she leaked something private about the two of you to another couple, and you also recalled being mad as a teenager when you mother said things at the dinner you shared privately with her.  Looking at both of these new, you see the common issue was feeling betrayed.  See if you can narrow your list down and three or four main vulnerabilities.

"5. Focusing on your vulnerabilities might not be the most enjoyable of exercises.  When you finish, do something nice for yourself (and your partner)!
- Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

Knowing your vulnerabilities so you don't harp on your partners issues as much.  Sometimes we need professional help to help work through our traumas and issues.  Don't get stuck in the past, get help and healing.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Personal Issues in Relationship

"We all have a handful of issues with the particular power to make us feel bad.  These issues typically originate during childhood, and we carry them into our adult relationships.

"For instance, you have been picked on as a child, and so you continue to feel vulnerable whenever someone tries to tease you.  It affects you to this day.  Or as a child, you were told you were ugly or stupid, and now you still feel you are less attractive or intelligent than others.  Perhaps someone in your early childhood always had to be right, and by default always made you seem wrong.  Today you continue to feel sensitive to right/wrong issues.

"How many such issues does each of us actually have?  Do they number in the tens? Or even more?  Partners often are under the illusion that they have a vast storehouse of personal issues with which they have to deal.  In my experience as a clinician, however, this is generally untrue.  If we really boil our issues down to their essence, I'm willing to be most of us will be able to identify only three or four with the power to make us feel bad.  I believe most of us are disturbed by the same three or four vulnerabilities throughout our life." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

Our personal issues do affect couple's relationship.  It is understanding our own issues so that we can share them and manage them in a healthy way that is necessary.  Our vulnerabilities do tell us more of our needs so we can share them with our partner.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928