Be Your Partner's Regulator

"How many people actually know how to spontaneously make their partner feel happy and loved?  I'm talking here about a phrase, a deed or an expression aimed at one's partner meant specifically to uplift him or her.  I have seen partners married for thirty years who appear dumbfounded when challenged to brighten, move charm, or otherwise enamor one another. Yet this ability to spontaneously and predictably shift or elevate your partner's mood or emotional state is a crucial aspect of being an expert on your partner.

"In my work with couples, I have found most people don't want their partner to change, not really.  They fundamentally appreciate their partners as they are.  But what people do want is to know how to influence, motivate, and otherwise have a positive effect on their partner.  They want to avoid pushing the other's buttons.  But that is not enough.  They also want to know the antidotes to apply when things go awry.  They want to be privy to when and where their partner has an itch, so they can scratch it for him or her.

"In this way, couples seek to become competent managers of each other.  In fact, their competence as partners is not unlike the competence of parents, who want to soothe their child's painful feelings and cultivate positive ones.  It also can be compared to the role of a regulator.  Partners who are competent managers are able to help regulate each other's moods and energy levels. As regulators, each continually monitors the other and know when to jump in and throw a switch to help restore balance in the direction of those things that make the partner feel good." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

This idea of regulator of partners mood may sound unhealthy.  This, however, is not losing yourself in the relationship.  I like the similarity to parents soothing their child when having painful feelings.


Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

How Vulnerable is Your Partner?

"It is important for you to know your own vulnerabilities, and it is even more important to know your partner's.  Knowing your partner's three or four bad things takes the guesswork out of what distresses him or her.  Not knowing these three or four things can weaken the relationship and make it a dangerous place for both of you. 

"... 1. Sit down and think about the issues that deeply affect your partner.  You probably didn't know him or her during childhood, but what has your partner shared with you about that phase of life?

"2. Recall specific incidents in your relationship during which you partner became distressed.  In each case, what was the issue that made him or her feel vulnerable.

"3. Jot down all the incidents and issues come to mind.  Don't censor yourself.

"4. When you've completed your list, go back over it and look for commonalities.  See if you can
narrow the list down to three or four main areas of vulnerability.

"5. As a final step, you may wish to check with your partner.  Find out what your partner sees as the three or four things that make him or her feel bad.  Watch your partner's face and listen to his or her voice for signs that these things are in fact a big deal." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

It is important to know your partner's sensitivities and vulnerabilities to grow emotional intimacy.  We know how to push their buttons to set them off to hurt them, we also need to learn how to protect them too.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

Role of Partner

"The role of a primary partner is a big one:  it entails taking good care of another human pain in the rear.  And the only way for this to work is for it to be fully mutual.  Both partners need to become experts on one another.  With this kind of arrangement, nobody really loses and everybody truly wins.  You can think of it as a kind of pay-to-play version of romance, and it is, make not mistake, an investment in your future." - Stan Tatkin, Psy.D. in Wired for Love

Understanding your partner is necessary for good romantic relationship.  Relationship should not just be "consensual," a political correct term, but really the relationship needs to be taking care of one another's heartaches, fears and pains.  We need to know how to take care of our partner in their hard times not just in the good and visa versa, they need to the same for us. 

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928