Parent's paradox

“Attempting to usher a young person (or adult) entrapped in substance abuse ‘over the hump’ until he or she ‘gets it’ will turn a well-intentioned mother or father into part of the problem, not part of the solution.

“Our first instinct as parents has always been to protect our children.  We guided them as toddlers away from the hot stove, the steep stairs, and the traffic in the street.  Preventive guidance worked then, but no longer.

“Here’s the cherry on the top: while marshaling your best efforts against the chaos, you, Oh-Well-Meaning-One, are aiding and abetting a destructive course.  Though every instinct you have exercised as a mother or father is driving you to do anything and everything to derail an emotional and physical train wreck, the ‘conductor’ on this careening ride is the addict.  The more you scramble for solutions, the more you, the parent, are enabling the addictive behavior to progress!  Without realizing what is happening to you and your family, you have morphed into an anxious, frantic, crazy person, embroiled by a condition that you did not cause, cannot control, and cannot cure.

"Welcome to codependency.  You have now become part of the problem, not part of the solution.  As if this weren’t enough, you good intentions amount to sticking your nose into someone else’s business–the business of the daughter/son you are trying to rescue.  Even smoothing the rough spots for your child can provide only a temporary fix.  Like applying a Band-Aid to a boil, treating the surface problem cannot reach what is going on underneath.  The core of the problem continues to fester and grow.”  – Barbara Victoria in It’s not about you, except when it is

Parent's paradox is when helping the child is actually hurting them.  They want to help but helping in the wrong way can be detrimental to their child.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928

The pressure is off

"The world is less overwhelming, threatening, and unpredictable now.  The sun can shine brighter and the stars are close.  If I stop to smell the flowers and pet the dog and take notice of what is working in my life, I am less inclined to focus on someone else' stuff.  I have plenty of my own, and that is just fine....

"Life is not perfect, but it certainly holds more possibility.  The pressure is off when you are not longer driven to manage everybody and everything.  That alone makes life a whole lot more promising.

"I am not responsible for anyone else' perfection, and I don't have to be perfect, either.  Compared to where I have been, this is a state of grace." - Barbara Victoria in It's Not About You, Except When It Is

The pressure is off when we stop trying to make everyone conform to who we want them to be.  At times it is hard to do, but the internal rewards are greater for you and the other person.  They can learn from their mistakes on their own and you from yours.

Renee Madison, MA, LPC, CSAT is a counselor in Colorado.  She can be reached for appointments at 303-257-7623 or 970-324-6928